Lost in Translation

Incompatible

So, remember the last time I posted I said I had that AWESOME date?  Well the following date was a little awkward, the next was better but not as great as the first, and then last night the shit hit the fan - and I wasn’t even in his presence!

This dude has excused himself for his actions by posting the disclaimer that he has an extraordinarily high sex drive.  Because of this I don’t think he and I are compatible.  I’m glad I’m coming to this conclusion now and not later.  And I’m glad I’m not just letting him walk all over me and get whatever he wants.

He’s slept over after 2 of our 3 dates.  He’s from New Jersey.  I didn’t think it would be an issue because it’s only about 15 minutes from the city (where he lives).  Well, obviously it is.  He always wants to stay over.  We’ve only gone out on Friday nights when he can sleep over and basically try to have sex with me.  (Excusing himself because of his high sex drive.)

Last night he was in the city doing his own thing and I was doing mine and I got a text from him asking if he “accidentally” missed his last train/bus home would it be okay that he stayed over, and if it was, he could “accidentally” make that happen.  

I freaked out.  

So, he was totally cutting out the ‘dating’ from our burgeoning relationship and trying to simply a) use me for my apartment because the fifteen minute trip how was just. too. much or b) just again, trying to fuck me.

I have had enough meaningless sex, thank you, and I’m sick of it.  I don’t mean to make a big deal out of it, but I’m sick of guys that hate “labels” and girls who “make a big deal out of sex because sex is just sex.”  Fuck you, you asshole.  Take some fucking responsibility for your shitty actions.  

I told him I wasn’t feeling well and was going home after my night was over.  He proceeded to tell me that he probably wouldn’t be able to hang out any other time this weekend.  

NOW HE WAS TRYING TO GUILT ME INTO LETTING HIM STAY OVER.

Again, I say, FUCK YOU.  I replied with a simple, “Aw. :(” and took myself out for a glass of wine at one of my favorite bars and then took myself home.  

Unless he starts to control himself (and his high fucking sex drive) and maybe begins to try to get to know me again, I don’t think this is going to work.  I’m glad I’m realizing this now and I’m not crying over it.  

Ah, well.  Another one bites the dust.  

One word: (Fucking) AWESOME.

That’s technically two, but whatever.  You remember that date that I had on Tuesday night?  Well, it got pushed to Friday.  And one word could describe it: AWESOME. 

I was expecting the worst because, well, I don’t have the best of luck with men in general and especially men that you meet online.  I’m not going in to too much detail because I don’t want to jinx it.  I remember when he had messaged me a week prior, I clicked over to his profile and thought, “This guy is everything I’m looking for.  This definitely won’t work out.”  I can’t say that it has “worked out” yet but he was absolutely super kick-ass and I’m excited.  The date lasted for 5.5 hours, and did I mention that he’s a really good kisser?  And also, he wasn’t overly-chivalrous.  I hate when men run ahead of me to open doors.  I really hate that shit.  

I still can’t believe he actually turned out to be as cool in person as he was via email.  

Wow, wow, wow.  Cross your fingers for me, please?  

Date Tonight… uh oh.

So I met a guy on OkCupid on Friday who I clicked with instantly.  We had lots of things in common and have pretty much been emailing back and forth since Friday and talking online all day yesterday.  We’re meeting tonight at a cafe uptown. 

I’m crossing my fingers that he’s just as cool in person, but who knows.  I’m not getting my hopes up though, trying my best to be apathetic.  Cross your fingers for me too, okay? 

F@!$@#^#^%! OR: I hate bars.

Let me clarify: I hate going into bars to meet men.  I know you should never go LOOKING to meet men, that’d just desperate and pathetic, but it happens.  So anyways.

I like going into a laid-back pub to hang out with my friends, though.  Well, usually.  I haven’t had much of an appetite for bar hopping as of late so I’m not really meeting anyone.  So I haven’t really had anything to write about, hence my week-long absence.  I’m sorry.  I know, I know, we (you lovely internet folks) just meet and already I’m fading.  Hey!  That’s like the boy I had just met! … via email. 

The truth is that I’m still kind of upset about that mystery internet boy disappearing.  I de-friended him on Facebook yesterday (yeah, we were still Facebook friends as of yesterday afternoon).  I’ll get over it.  Another truth: I’ll probably think about that almost-stranger for a long time.  Anytime I see a tall, gangly guy with hipster glasses.  Yes, that’s what I’m into.  At least for the moment.

The Nice Guy who I went out with a week and a half ago is nice, but there’s no future with him.  Damn me if I’m not giving it enough of a chance, but I’ve tried ‘giving things a try’ with guys before who I’m not feeling from the start and it hasn’t worked so I don’t want to bother now - I’ve gotten exceedingly lazy in my old age (mid-twenties). 

So, what am I left with?  Pottery class or online dating, basically.  I deleted my OKCupid account a few months ago after tiring of the boring men that I browsed (or who browsed me, more accurately) and after receiving one-too-many viley inappropriate messages from, for lack of a better word, assholes.  I’m all for humor, especially crude humor, but there’s a way to do it and a way not to do it.  I’m thinking maybe I should open another account and try again, because it’s free and all.  I have an account on JDate, but it’s not paid for and I missed their Rosh Hashana sale, so that sucks! 

So, I’m kind of at a loss of how to meet men.  Anyone have any suggestions that don’t include dimly lit bars or pottery classes?

Slut-No-More

Friend: Any guys for you?
Me: Just went on a date with [The Nice Guy].
Friend: LOL. Well, who are you fucking then?
Me: No one! I haven’t sex since mid-December.
Friend: WTF.  That’s not you!
Me: I know, I’m a total reformed whore.
Friend: I don’t follow… wtf!  

Yeah, it’s probably not hard to believe that I used to be quite the little slut.  Well not QUITE, but I used to be much more liberal about sex.  Also, it may seem as though I’m using the word “slut” in a negative way, but I’m not at all.  ”Slut,” to me, means that you take charge of your body, follow you instincts, and give in to pleasure when you want.  I just came down with a severe case of STI-phobia and stopped being able to have sex without thinking I definitely had HIV afterward.  

I would love to be de-brainwashed from the conservative anti-sex propaganda that fills the airwaves but I am having trouble.  Anyone have any good anecdotes?  The two or three times I’ve had an HIV test I always think that I most DEFINITELY have it.  I know, it’s paranoia and it’s ridiculous.  I’ve never had unprotected sex, ever.  

I miss sex, I do.  I want to have it again, and preferably sometime soon.  But I’m so weird with the whole fuck buddy situation.  Inviting someone over purely for sex kind of skeeves me out.  (More propaganda brainwashing, I know.)   I’m more of a ” your friend in a bar, have drinks, and THEN take him home with you”-kind of girl.

Is that bad?  

The Really Cold [virtual] Shoulder.

I met a guy online about two weeks ago.  He seemed AWESOME.  He was attractive (in my opinion - remember, I like quirky guys) and witty.  And he had good grammar!  

We had about a week of solid back-and-forth emails; emails that progressively got longer and longer, mini essays if you will.  We were vibing.  I was excited, I wanted to meet him ASAP to find out if he was really as cool in person or if it was only a level of cool was the able to be transmitted via the written word.  

I finally said OK to his request to become Facebook friends too!  We have a couple more email exchanges and then it just stops.  To which I ask, what the fuck?

We’re still friends on Facebook too, which is odd.  He said he gets very busy with work sometimes, so maybe it’s that.  It could also be a simple case of losing interest quickly.  We’ve all been there, and done it. 

I just wish sometimes that when someone loses interest in meeting us or having contact all that they would have the balls to tell us.  This goes for myself too.  I should have the chutzpah to tell a guy that I’m just not feeling it anymore.

I have a penchant for developing an interest (however vague) in guys who like to fall off the face of planet.  What the hell, guys?

Rebounding

I met a guy this weekend.  We have a handful of mutual friends (all of whom have stated that they’re “not getting involved” - probably for the best) so collectively, we all hung out twice.  He’s a strange/quirky guy, and cute in a unique way.  He’s not the kind of guy you’d ever look at and go, “oh my god, he’s so cute,” but I don’t usually go for those guys.  They usually have huge egos and lack a brain, at least in my past experiences they have.  Go into any Midtown East bar and you’ll find a plethora of them.

This guy was different.  He was quiet, but he was funny when he did have something to say.  He gives really great hugs, too - he squeezes tightly.

We’ve since become friends on Facebook, but I’m not sure I should be making any attempt at further communication with him.  First, we have that handful of mutual friends.  That could be good, or bad (when we inevitably break-up).  Secondly, he just got out of a relationship and just moved out of his ex-girlfriend’s apartment this weekend.  From what I could tell, he’s still pretty sensitive about it.  I’m done having flings - though I completely and 100% support people who partake regularly in them, they’re fun! - so if I got to know him, I wouldn’t want it to be a fling, or worse, a REBOUND.  

I did that in 2005.  We were both single for about 4 hours after our break-ups and using each other as rebounds.  Of course, I got attached and hurt at the end of it.  I wasn’t quite sure how to handle friends-with-benefits/fling.  I know how to handle it now, but it’s not what I’m looking for.

If we started hanging out, it wouldn’t be certain that I would become a rebound (though chances are not in my favor).  But am I willing to take that chance?  I still don’t know for sure what I want right now, but I do know that I was instantly attracted to this one individual.  Should I sit back and let things happen on their own, or take matters into my own hands?

Date #1: The Nice Guy

Apologies for this post taking so long, but here it is.

I went out on Tuesday night with a guy that I’d drunkenly kissed the week prior, we’ll call him The Nice Guy.  He’d asked me if I wanted to go out and then said he’d text me after I said yes.  I didn’t think he actually would, so you can imagine my surprise when he did the next day.

We were both scheduled to be at a party on Tuesday night with many of our mutual friends, so we met there.  I was there half an hour before him and I was catching up with friends I hadn’t seen in a bit and then once Nice Guy got there, he came over and said hello.  After that I felt paralyzed.  I couldn’t move.  I wanted to go say hi to more of my friends who were arriving but I felt as though I couldn’t leave his side, because that might be considered “blowing him off.” (Yes, I know that’s kind of ridiculous.)  

We left the party an hour or so later and went to get dinner (the original plan).  He checked his iPhone and we walked down to a Mexican restaurant in the East Village, not far from the party.  It was a casual, cozy, and dimly lit restaurant and we made small talk while we decided on what to order.  I had the veggie burger, which ended up being FANTASTIC.

Some of the conversation during dinner was nice; it was your usual getting-to-know-each-other questions.  But I have to admit that I  was a bit detached and maybe uninterested.  During dinner he asked me out to a party two nights later; I said I had to check my calendar and I’d let him know.  

After we finished dinner we headed toward a large intersection for subways.  He asked if I wanted to see a movie but I said I was tired and had to get home.  I was tired of partaking in conversation that felt forced.  I went home after that and texted him that I couldn’t come out the next day because of plans.  He texted me the next day and said since I couldn’t see him the next night, what about Friday?  I told him I had plans again.  (To be honest: I really did have plans.  I wasn’t making it up.)

I haven’t heard from him in a day or so.  And I’m relieved.  I know, I know, I should be relieved that he’s doing everything a guy “should” do when he’s interested in a woman, and not playing games.  This is just proof that men can’t make us women me happy.

He’s a extremely nice guy but I felt like he was trying too hard to be witty and sarcastic.  The conversation didn’t flow and at times just came to a screeching halt.  Also, he wouldn’t stop kissing me.  Every time there was a lull in conversation, he’d just lean in to kiss me.  I got into it once or twice but after that, I really wasn’t feeling it.  

I’m still perplexed as to whether or not I should see him again because maybe I’m not giving it enough of a chance.  I just know that I’m not feeling that instant connection that I’ve felt in the past - unless of course copious amounts of alcohol are involved.  

So, a second chance or not?

Is this my life?

I always had these ideas of grandeur (I guess we can call them delusions of grandeur now) that since I was such a date-acholic I would start a dating blog and it would be awesome. Well, here I am.  And I have no idea what to say.

And I know what you’re thinking already: Yeah, like we needed another 20-something-living-in-New-York-City’s take on dating like we needed a hole in the head.  Guess what!  I agree.  You’re totally validated. 

BUT!  I’m not going to be one of those dating bloggers that doles out advice (at least I hope not).  I’m no more qualified than the next person with an online outlet to be telling YOU what to do.  I also have no plans to meet with the female-equivalent-to-a-Wing-Man or a dating professor, if you will.  I think they’re quacks just as much as I am.  If you email me, sure I’ll give you my two cents but it will probably be an jaded two cents (just warning you up front).  I just want to write down the stories of the guys I go on dates with.  Most of them will probably be pretty ridiculous, as many in the past have been.  Hell, I’m pretty ridiculous. 

I’ve taken the last almost-year off from dating after dating pretty badly for about 3 years.  I would drop my friends as soon as I started dating a guy (and I mean dating in the loosest sense of the word), always consult his schedule before making MY plans, and if I wasn’t getting the amount of attention that I deemed acceptable, I’d cry.  Or I’d get really upset.  If I wasn’t seeing anyone, I’d go out with my friends and immediately start looking for cute guys, unaware that I was making my friends whom I arrived with feel like shit because apparently they weren’t good enough to hang out with - because they didn’t have penises.  I also LOVED the attention.  Loved, loved, loved.  This is not a positive thing. 

I also over-analyzed everything these guys did and said.  I was lost in translation.  Dating translation, that is, hence the name of this blog.

I was a wreck.  The last guy I dated for a few months (and I thought we’d last for a while because he was the KING of all Sweet Talkers) literally dropped off the face of the planet and I cried a lot.  I cried around the holidays.  I cried through a massage for fuckssake.  No one cries through the bliss that is a one-hour massage.  But I did and it was all because of this one guy that I’d only known a few months.

After slight nudging (I mean, mammoth-sized shoving) from my very good friends, I realized I needed to end this perpetual cycle of shit.  I stopped dating.  I pretty much stopped going out for a while.  One of my girlfriends changed my OkCupid password (and months later I deleted it altogether) so I couldn’t log on.  It was nice.  I learned to appreciate my friends and enjoy spending time with myself.  I also started i a therapist who helped a lot, I think. 

So I’ve been out in three dates with one guy.  We were on a slow-moving path towards nothing though, so I’m done with him.  I never got two emotionally saddled with him, thank god.  I found a happy place of apathy I guess you could say. 

I’m still happy (and slightly apathetic), but now I’m a bit bored.  Dating for entertainment might have its downfalls (actually, I’m sure it does) but at least I’m not dating for happiness and to be fulfilled as a person.  So come along with me on this ride that is Dating In New York City. In fact, I have a date tonight.

(And please don’t hesitate to comment, ask me things, or call me out on my shit!)